Finally Broke...

For the first time in maybe 3 years, I finally broke psychologically. I'm not talking about just being angry or sad, I mean like the point where you are just pushed too far, you can no longer hold back the tears or whatever. Just one event can't cause it, but it piles up until one thing that normally would be fine, or you could shrug off, pushes you over that threshold. Yah, that's what happened to me the other day. Well, I guess it all started piling up during the trip to the concert in Kyoto. I guess I still hadn't gotten over that frustration. Ever since then, my host mother has been seeming to speak a little faster than usual. I always ask her to slow down, which she will do sometimes, but any time I tell her that I don't understand a certain word, she just says, 「大丈夫」 "its okay" and the conversation seems to end. That's the second thing that's been piling up. I guess yesterday's events are what pushed me across that threshold from my usual carefree self to wanting to wrap my shirt over my fist and punch the door while 4 tears escaped from my eyes.

Well that morning had been fine, I woke up a late, but that's nothing. Judo has been really intense and I have needed to rest more lately. School was fine, only one class. Judo was awesome as usual, besides the fact that a lot of my big toe skin ripped off (it was pretty nasty, I had to cut off the bloody skin left dangling. little amount of blood, for you worriers). But when I got home, I instantly fell asleep. I ended up missing dinner, because all my host mother does to alert me its dinner time is yell from the floor below me, 「ご飯ですよ」 "Dinner time!" so at 8 o'clock, she knocks on my door, and when I open it up, she just started yelling things like, what are you doing? you missed dinner? why? I didn't appreciate the yelling like I was their son. I mean, it was the first time I had missed dinner since coming here. Dinner didn't get any better. As I sat down to eat, she continued to speak loudly and much faster than usual. I didn't understand a thing, and frankly, I didn't care. Eventually, she gave up, turned on the hot plate for the Yakisoba, and then went to take a shower. Apparently you're supposed to turn off the hot plate once in starts sizzling, but I didn't know that and it ended up burning. When she got out of the shower, and I told her I burnt it, she continued to yell at me, again, not understanding anything she was saying. At that point I could feel myself on the threshold. My cheeks started to get hot, my fists clenched, and my brain was going, "fuck, you don't need to take this shit, go up to your room now and just say you thought she said to", but I was able to chill my brain for a bit. She started talking to me about how I was quiet and she wanted to know more about me. So she asked me why I like to keep my door closed. I was thinking, ok, this could be a nice turnaround to what has been a terrible half-hour. So I told her, I like to feel completely alone when I'm studying or doing homework, which now that I think about it, isn't really fair to her because I spend so much time at school, I rarely am at home. But regardless, right after I said that she retorted with "No, you have to always keep your door open. If you are asleep, it's ok, but once you wake up, open. And, you cant go to sleep right away when you get back from school, you have to stay awake past dinner." The first one I'm okay with, the second one I don't want to comply with at all. Well, that ended up pushing me over the threshold. I really wanted to punch my bed, because that wouldn't do anything, but I didn't want to make any noise. So I just had to hold it in until Judo practice today, where I was able to work some of it out.

Oh, well, at least I'm going to have a week away from my host family, because my host mother is going to Spain, so I have to go to the dorm, and my host father is going to a hotel, I think. This doesn't make much sense though, because there is a 7 Eleven right across the street from us.

On a much lighter note; Another foreign student decided to join the Judo Club. His name is Chris and he's from Hawaii. He had his first practice the same day all this stuff had happened. He hadn't ever done Judo before, and he didn't look exactly like a natural. He's probably like 120 pounds and looks soft, but you know who that reminds me of before he started Judo? Me.